You Want To Make Me
by Ladywilde
Summary: Chpt 2! Jawyer story, yes this is slash but it does have a story, I promise : Jack and Sawyer are both forced to confront their growing attraction to one another. Set in season one. Rated R M for later chapters.
1. Hero Worship

You Want To Make Me

_This is my first Jawyer story. First off, I will not make this disgustingly smutty – I want to focus more on angst and the eventual romance and also just some good old Jack and Sawyer tension. So yes, there will be slash but I am not writing a porno… anyway, if you all like, I will keep going with this fic…Thanks for reading. _

Chapter One

Hero Worship

(Sawyer)

If you were to ask Jack what kind of man he was, he more then likely would give a small cynical half smile and say something to the effect of, "Me, I am like any other guy - nothing special."

Yet, all one would have to do is watch him for any amount of time to see the falseness of that statement. Jack was noble, heroic, and unselfish.

He was _good_.

He could walk around, acting like a regular Joe until he was blue in the face but the truth of it was that he was a special guy and people loved to be around him, look up to him and depend on him.

Sawyer had to admit in the beginning, the good doctor had irked him. He hated both his condescending nature and his arrogance but most of all he hated the way he had of commanding the attention of everyone else around him simply by opening his mouth.

Sawyer watched as people would shut their traps and listen up when the good doc spoke, all of them eager and ready to reveal in what ever words of hope the doctor sought fit to grace them with.

Sawyer for all his cynicism had to admit, the doctor knew his way around a pep talk pretty well.

Hell, even that "live together, die alone" crap was pretty fitting, wasn't it? Slowly, his sense of unease with the doctor began to become replaced with something that felt like respect.

He respected Jack, which annoyed Sawyer; he hated to think that Jack was starting to grow on him, he was not one for being impressed by the heroic.

It also didn't take him long to realize that the good doctor was doing his best to woo a certain green eyed brunette. It was from that point on that the fight in Sawyer kicked in and he decided to do a little wooing of his own.

He took every opportunity he could to rid himself of a shirt, knowing that a woman, any woman would appreciate the fact that he kept his body in tip top shape. He also teased her a bit more then necessary, heck; he enjoyed a challenge and that brunette was nothing if not a challenge. He almost found himself liking her, liking her feistiness. If anything else, taunting her, flirting with her helped pass the boredom of his days on this good for nothing hell hole.

He watched the comings and goings of everyone else from his tent, peering out over what ever book he was reading at the moment, to say something witty and possibly just this side of mean spirited. The others eyed him wearily and kept their distance, just the way he liked it.

It was also from this vantage point that he took to watching Jack make his rounds.

He also seemed in a hurry and just a bit off as if he had somewhere to be and a bug up his ass to boot.

Sawyer didn't really want to think too hard as to why he was so fond of watching Jack come and go, his long jean clad legs near running from one tent to the other, checking peoples injuries, looking in on the pregnant girl. His ever present white tee shirt soaked with sweat, his eyes red with fatigue and his shoulders hunched with worry.

Yet, despite the long legged blonde in her skimpy bikinis and the saucy brunette in her too tight jeans and tank tops, it was Jack that Sawyer found his eyes fixed too, looking out for and feelings both a maddening blush and a sick knot in his gut when he did see him. Sawyer didn't like it one bit and hoped that any day now he would go back to hating his guts like he should, what as with him, grinning and feeling giddy over Jack! Maybe he had, what did you call it?

Hero worship, was that it. Did he simply look up to Jack and want to be like him, nah! Sawyer reasoned with himself. He liked being a jerk just fine. Let Jack do the worrying for everyone else on this pit hole, Sawyer was perfectly content to read books and sip from small bottles of booze he had managed to swipe from the planes beverage carts.

He didn't give a big giant rat crap what everyone else thought of him. Then he started noticing Jack catching his eye. Jack would be standing with the pregnant girl and that has been rock star who had all but claimed the pregnant chick for himself and Jack would be feeling her stomach, which looked ready to spilt apart any second and his eyes would move up, search and come find Sawyers own looking at him.

Jack would always look away first and once, maybe even twice Sawyer could almost swear that he saw a fiery red blush creep across his neck and spread across his face. Sawyer didn't know what to think of that?

For god sake was the doctor checking him out? That was a crazy idea for the doctor was all but glued to the hip of that fiery little brunette and he didn't seem like the kind of man given to that type of persuasion.

Sawyer was even more confused when he realized slowly and surely and as if having been stung by fire that he liked having Jack looking him, he liked it a lot. Sawyer had spent a lifetime in serious denial.

It was fine when for the most part he had never been stuck in a situation with someone long enough to have to acknowledge his feelings and now, now on crap hole island – face to face and with nowhere to run; Sawyer was forced to the sickening, gut wrenching and more painful then he could have ever dreamed realization that what he felt for Jack wasn't hate or respect or even hero worship. It was good old, plain old lustful attraction and had no idea if Jack even felt the same.


	2. Things Like Memory

Chapter 2

Things Like Memory

(Jack)

"_Don't say that," Jack pleaded to the young man who stood packing his things into various bags._

_He wasn't looking up as Jack pleaded with him to reconsider._

_Jack reached over and took his arm._

"_Todd, talk to me," he insisted and the young man pulled his arm from Jack's reach, when he looked up, his eyes swam with tears and his mouth was set in a painful grimace._

"_We have talked and talked and then talked some more Jack, but it doesn't matter…"_

_Jack shook his head, swallowing back the lump of tears in his throat._

"_I just can't - I - you don't understand."  
Todd scoffed at that and straightened up, tossing a book bag over one broad shoulder._

"_I understand just fine," Todd said as she took in Jack's tear stricken face._

"_It's you who never will."_

_He turned and went to the door but Jack went after him, and put himself between both Todd and the door._

"_Just give me more time, okay - please," he reached for Todd and tried to hold him, "please I love you, I just need more time."_

"_You've had time and now - now I have to move on Jack."_

_Jack stepped away from the door, his heart breaking as he watched Todd turn the handle of the door and open it, preparing to walk out of his life for good, to leave him. _

_He couldn't stand it. The pain was too much._

"_Good luck," Todd said as he stepped out the door and closed it behind him, leaving Jack alone with his pain and his regrets. _

Jack woke up to find Kate kneeling beside him, shaking him awake. He startled and sat up, gasping loudly as he did so.

"Hey, it's okay," she said sweetly, "you were dreaming."

He rubbed his eyes sleepily and turned his head to hers, tried to catch his breath.

"I was," he said, somewhat stupidly.

"Yeah, you were calling for Todd," she said, her eye brow raised questioningly.

"Todd," he shook his head as the name evoked as it always did the same awful feelings of failure and remorse.

"Yeah, old friend?"

"Yeah," he said, "What are you doing here?"

He looked to Kate, she blushed prettily and lowered her head to one side.

"I couldn't sleep, I was taking a walk and I heard you thrashing around in here."

"I'm sorry," he said, standing.

It was still dark and the beach was quiet as people still slumbered.

He looked back and saw Kate climbing to her feet.

He felt her come up beside him and lay a soft, warm hand on his back.

"You sure you're alright?"

He looked back at her and moved unconsciously away from her out stretched hand.

"Yeah, just a dream, can't even remember it," he lied.

"Well, it didn't look like a good one, so that's probably for the best," she said with a slight smile.

"Right," he replied.

"Well, how bout' a walk?"

He shook his head.

"No, I am okay - really."

She frowned a bit but nodded and stepped past him.

"Alright, night' Jack."

"Night' Kate."

He watched as she strode off into the night, a dark shadow amongst the glow of various campfires.

He went back to his tent and sat down, rested his forehead against his knees.

He had been thinking a lot about Todd lately, more then usual and it was starting to get to him.

Todd had been years ago, his freshman year in college. It was a near lifetime ago. So, why now why after so long was he literally besieged by his image? By the thought of their once long ago love affair that had ended a mere six months after it had begun?

It was just a college thing he had told himself many a time since.

He was experimenting, Todd had wanted a more serious relationship. He wanted Jack to come out to his family and his friends, the idea had horrified him.

He couldn't have fathomed the idea of saying anything of the sort to his father, the thought of anyone finding out had made him paranoid with fear.

He had cared for Todd, deeply but when he had walked out on him. There was not only pain but also relief.

It was from that moment on that he decided that he could not be "gay," even if he was, he was going to bury it down so deep, he would never have to think about it.

He had dated a steady stream with women, and then married Sarah and when she had left him for someone else, sensing his indifference towards her and the physical side of there relationship, though she never flat out voiced her suspicions, he was relieved.

Then came the drinking and the random one night stands with faceless men and then the crash and now he was back to his dreams of what could have been if he had just owned up to who he was, and had told his family the truth.

It was lonely living a constant lie.

Now, there was Kate to complicate things.

He liked her and there were times even he was able to convince himself that he desired her physically but there was someone else, someone who sent his pulse racing with a mere glance of his intense blue eyes, someone else who drudged up the bittersweet longing he felt when thinking of his old lover, who made him yearn for that feeling that he was all but sure he would never have again.

It was someone he knew with painful certainty would never desire him back.


End file.
